I must admit, since I was young, I’ve dimmed my light to comfort those around me, dumbed myself down in some scenarios, so as not to intimidate others without my same focus, drive and passion and just not been able to be my authentic self around many overall. Slowly, but surely over time, I believe this has so much to do with the depression I found myself battling nearly 12 years ago. One major reason I “lost” myself is because I forced that girl down so deep and far, she was nearly foreign to me. All of this…for the comfort of others? F that!
With open eyes, I now refuse to shrink myself for another. I’m aware some were not meant to bask in my light, especially if they always feel they are residing in my shadow. I’ve learned that is a limiting self-belief on their behalf and not my internal issue. My belief that we rise by lifting others is ever present within my tribe and the successes we are respectively generating are ever present because of it. That is what feels worthy of my heart and I’m ever grateful to have found it.
For that matter, I’ve maintained some relationships long after their expiration date. Not because I was aware at the time, of course, but because I was in denial. For me, I can be extremely sensitive within my relationships and unknowingly become resentful when others do not reciprocate in ways I chose to share my pride, love and support for them and their life goals. Becoming more aware of my feelings on that topic just within the past couple of years, I’m slowly learning that that is ok too. Those just aren’t my people. Wow, crazy concept, I know! Then suddenly, a wave of sadness washes over me simply because of the notion that life is a bit of a catch and release.
We all operate differently and sometimes it’s best to make observations and let go of things that are no longer good for us or that stifle our growth, though it can be a painful process. Our hearts are often tugged in many directions as spouses, parents, friends and in business and we only have so much to give before we begin to dilute the goodness we choose to give to those closest to us. Above all else, I’ll always cherish those past relationships, regardless of reciprocation, and now view them as stepping stones towards the direction of my own personal goals, growth and as something I must’ve needed at that time. I now realize they’ve aided in redirecting me at numerous times throughout my journey thus far.
Ultimately, though my heart is very guarded, the beautiful souls I’ve chosen to allow in give me more than they’ll ever know. I can honestly say, I’ve never had this type of love and support around me before and it took nearly 40 years to find it. When you hear the expression, “Find your tribe and love them hard” I hope you’ll think of all the times, you’ve loved, lost and have been able to love again, even through a filter so thick, you’re barely recognizable. It is possible and I’m hear to shout it from the top of my recent pyramid on the beaches of Tamarindo. These people, and several not pictured, are the very reason for my belief in solid friendships again.
Though our ages and lifestyles may differ, one thing is for certain, they continue to show up, put up and most of all #LoveUP. I’m so proud and grateful to call them part of my most inner circle. We work tirelessly, party even harder and prop each other up daily. Not certain any of us ever dreamt our connections would lead us to where we are today, but one thing is for certain…we continue to remind one another of the badass that lies within and THESE are my absolute fucking people!
In good health,